The Cat

"Look! there's that cat that Leo doesn't like."

He stood across the street on our neighbor's lawn.

"I wonder who he belongs to?"

"I don't know but he doesn't look skinny. Someone must feed him."

"I saw him eating with her cats a few days ago."

"Funny how her cats let him hang around over there. They don't even seem to mind."

"Yah but if he comes over here Leo goes all schizo on him."

"He came inside the fence last night. I heard a cat fight and when I went out back they separated."

"Yah, I don't know why he keeps coming over here. He knows Leo hates him."

"Leo throws his weight around."

"He's a prick. He even chases him when he runs away."

"That cat is not neutered either. Did you see those things!"

"Leo's neutered and has no front claws and he's STILL a bully."

"OH NO! Look! He's limping!"

"Leo probably bit him in the ass"

"Yup - the vet says that the instigator always gets bit in the head and the more submissive one gets it in the back end."

"I wonder if he'll let me near him...."

I walked outside and slowly crossed the street with some cat food I'd poured into a coffee filter. "here kitty kitty... have a snack... are you hungry?"

He eyed me suspiciously and took a couple steps back.

"It's ok baby. Let me see you. I've got fooooood."

I set the food down on the concrete ledge but he scurried off around the house so I went back inside and watched through the window.

"Oh! Here he comes! He's coming back!"

The cat strolled right past the food -obviously not interested or hungry.

"That's a good sign though - he's not hungry."

"One of his ears is bent down. I hope he doesn't have an ear infection. Maybe we should catch him."

"And then what? Take him to the vet and pay the bills like you did last time??"

"Well, at least check him out to make sure he's ok and maybe ask around the neighborhood to see who owns him. That would be a start."

"I can get a Have a Heart trap if we need to."

"Oh my God! Look! He's crossing the street. Maybe he will let me see him."

Just as I gleefully headed back outdoors I saw the cat back up to Mike's truck and shimmy his tail like a cheerleader's pom pom. A jet of urine sprayed out all over the back tire. Obviously satisfied with his handiwork he swaggered back to his original spot and sat down.

"Well, I guess we know what he thinks about you!"

How much SHE loves me~

created just for me by Amy- my supahstah!

How much he loves me~

I'm sorry Dante' (sort of)

I can't believe I left you all on Pause. Well, I can believe I left you on Pause... but I can't believe I paused it right at the very moment my nether regions were punching The Hubs in the head. Sorry 'bout that. It was just plain rude.

A lot has happened in the last month. Mostly good things. I enrolled in a photography class, we went on a few snowmobile rides with some friends, The Hubs went on a weekend fishing excursion, and I spent some quality time with some very special friends.

My new year's resolution was to take control of my days. Be to work on time, fit in some exercise, and use my vacation days wisely. I tend to take days off just because I feel like checking out. I am a person who needs a LOT of down time. By that I mean being home with my pets, reading, writing, watching movies, learning something new. I love the hours in the day that I have no obligations...but I digress.

My point is that I've done pretty darn good. In January I earned about 22 stars. I gave them to myself for feeling like the prior day was a success. That's right. Pretty blue, red, silver and green stars twinkling behind me on the wall. The problem with that is that everyone wants to know "what are the stars for?"

Today is February 3rd and I have no stars yet. I could just put them on but that would be a LIE. Hey, it is what it is. I was late for work 2 days this week and haven't exercised once. On top of that, my monthly friend is knocking on the door and the sound of her annoying, shrill voice has put me in a terrible mood.

My cell phone has rang every day for 2 weeks only to give me a recorded message that my vehicle warranty is about to expire and this is my FINAL reminder. Today it rang 3 times. Same message.

In my opinion, this is "marketing rape". It's right up there with unsolicited faxes for trips to the Bahama's for only three easy payments of $19.95. Fuck you people. We have to Pay to receive your stupid fax. Kiss my ass.

So when I received what was probably the 19th call regarding my factory warranty I went off the deep end and instead of hanging up on the recording I pressed 1 to renew the f'ing thing.

"Hello, this is Dante'. How may I help you this evening?"

"Well, Dante' the way you can HELP me is by NOT calling my fucking cell phone again! Every goddamn time I get the message it promises me it's my FINAL reminder but I get another call 3 fucking hours later! I don't have a warranty on my 11 year old vehicle so it's NOT about to expire you retards!"

"Ma'am, I have put you on the do not call list. Is there anything else I can help you with tonight?"

"NO! Just don't call me again!"

"You have a nice night, Ma'am."

Dante' deserves a raise.

Then I went home with a promise to myself that I would not argue or pick a fight with anyone for the rest of the night.

But then the phone rang and caller ID said SEARS PROTECTION PLAN. Those numb nuts have called my house one too many times and I was sick and tired of hearing it ring and letting it go into voice mail.

I angrily picked up, but remembered my vow of not being mean and pinched my nostrils shut.

"Hello?" I sounded like a frog with laryngitis.

"Hello, is this Kathleen?"

"No, this is Eryn" (sorry Princess but your name was first on my tongue)

"Oh well, hello Eryn, I'm Ethyl calling from sears to renew your protection plan"

"what one is that?'

"your vacuum cleaner"

"Oh. THAT. We don't have that anymore"

"you dont have it anymore? "

"Nope. got mad at it and smashed it with a hammer"

"oh- well.... do you have any other appliances?"

"Nope- don't believe in 'em. Appliances are evil"

"well, Ms. auclair.. you have a nice night"

"you too... bye bye"

I must admit that was more fun than swearing at Dante'.

You know you're a Redneck (to the highest degree)

"What? What the hell is this?" I spun off another handful of toilet paper.

"What brand is this? It's definitely NOT Charmin." I examined the thin one ply tissue I held in my hand. Yuck.

"Oh! That was in my truck. I brought it in today." replied The Hubs.

"Oh- good- then you didn't BUY a bunch of this. I was worried for a second there."

"Nope- I found it in the parking lot down at Dumont's"

I had already wiped before he said that and I just sat there for a minute - stunned.

"Wait a minute... you mean someone dropped a package of toilet paper and you picked it up?"

"NO- it was just one roll."

"You mean one roll that was wrapped in plastic, right?"

"No- it was just sitting there... like someone might have been using it for something and it fell out of their vehicle."

I just shook my head in disgust but my asshole and vajayjay joined forces and punched him in the head.

Inventory- the day of the uncut pizza

Our year end ritual at jail the office is to celebrate wholeheartedly with a kick ass game of Inventory.

It's the one day a year that everyone plays nicely with each other and everyone scrambles around working toward the same goal. To finish. (Cuz you don't go home till you're done.)
It's always fun to find out who unknowingly walked around the mill all day with a "NO VALUE- DO NOT INVENTORY" sticker on their back. Not to mention the giant stacks of pizza that we have delivered at noon to ensure sustenance and vigor.

"The pizza is here- you comin'?" I asked the Grand Poobah of Inventory.

"Ummm -- yah- unless you want to bring some up?"

"Ok - I can do that - what kind do you want?"

"Bacon"

"But of course-- I'll have bacon, too and if The Princess wants that then I'll just grab a whole box and bring it up."

I trotted downstairs to the conference room and made off with a bacon pizza. As I walked past the hungry hippos who had formed a line, one of them said "You're not gonna share?"

"Huh? What is that?" I think the hippo thought I was a pig but I didn't bother to slow down long enough to explain that this 16 " pizza was not just for me. I was on a mission.

As I opened the box and reached in for a slice my hand got confused and just hovered there while my eyes searched for a cut line. To my surprise there was none.

"it's not cut!" I gasped to The Princess.

"What?? I hope all the others were!" she laughed as I hurried off and grabbed a pair of scissors.

I lifted one side of the pizza and proceeded to cut it straight up the middle.

"Don't you think a knife would work better?" she asked.

"Nope- this works just nifty fine" I cut the rest in normal sized slices.

"I cut everything with those scissors ya know..."

"yah... like frayed edges of the carpet..."

"did you wash them first?" asked Poobah

"pfft nahh- just pretend we're camping"

"if I get scurvy I'm gonna blame it on you"

"seeing so scurvy is a lack of vitamin C I think you'll be just fine"

"what could I get?"

"trichinosis?" botulism?"

"I suppose it's possible we all may come down with an acute case of scissoritis but I'm not going to worry about it."

We all dug in and as far as I know everyone is still alive.

Party Animals

Dec 30-approximately 7:30 pm- in the hot tub


"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's our anniversary. We have no plans- I have to work all day but did you want to do anything special?"
"You mean AFTER you get out of work?"
"No, you nerd!! I meant did you want to do something special while I'm AT work. duh"
He laughed. "We could go out to eat and catch a movie or something."
"Ok- I'll check the listings tomorrow and see what's out there"

Dec 31- 9:30 am- in the office- on the phone with The Hubs who is up to Dad's

"Hey, asshole- did you forget to say something this morning?"
"uhhhh I think YOU forgot to say something to me, too"
"lol yah- I just realized that! I still haven't checked the movie listings."
"Oh you don't have to now- I bought "Hancock" off PPV."
"What!?! I don't want to watch that stupid movie!"
"Whatever you want to do, Kath..."
"Whatever I want to do?" I couldn't believe my ears. This kind of opportunity doesn't come around very often!
"Whatever you want to do."
I heard Dad in the background: "hah! I think you just screwed yourself, buddy~"

Oh the power of whatever I want to do!

2:15 pm - out of work early and already home-putting on sweat pants

"Hey- uhhh what did you decide for tonight?"
"Oh I dunno... I think a little of this....." I picked Zoe up and hugged her. "And a little of this...." I kissed Wesley on the snout. "And LOTS of this" I gave Jazz a big, loud smoochy smooch.
"nothing sounds fun.... I dunno... but you said whatever I want so I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out" I had to make it clear he was not off the hook.

I went upstairs and looked at our stack of games then pulled a brand new puzzle off the shelf. 500 pieces of cute little Shar Pei puppies. As I walked down the stairs with my decision, I anticipated his reaction. I figured he'd probably draw the line and say no way but to my surprise he said "okay- if that's what you want to do."
As I got out the card table I wondered what kind of spirit had suddenly taken up residency in my husband's body.
We pushed the coffee table out of the way, brought in two chairs, rolled out the puzzle saver, and started to turn all the pieces over.
"I can't see good" I complained.
He moved a floor lamp right beside us.
Jazz kept pawing at my leg because he wanted to be in my lap so I got a third chair from the kitchen so he could sit right beside me.
Before we even had the edge pieces separated from the middle ones, I sighed and complained again. "It's too hot in here"
"You don't really want to do this, do you?"
"Not really"
It took him about 2 seconds to dump all the pieces back in the box.
"I'll leave the table up for now."
"Why?"
"So it will be ready for your next big idea"
"I think I want to go camping."
"Camping!?"
"Well, I would like to be in front of the fireplace but I would like to lay down when my neck hurts. I think you should lug me down the twin mattress." And that's what he did. He moved the love seat out of the way, got me some blankets and pillows and I read while he watched Rocky's one through Nineteen in the next room.
At eleven pm we got back together and watched the Fox New Year's Party.
David Cook and Chris Doughtry were on and Robbie Knievel was getting ready to jump over a man made volcano at the Mirage hotel casino.
"Can you imagine if he landed right inside there?"
"That would be an awful start to the new year."
"Or a really bad end to the old"
"He's like the ground hog... if he fails it's going to be an awful 2009.
"Don't be so negative, we could still have an early spring."
As it turned out, the jump was successful- and that's our expectations for the new year! Hopefully it will be a little more exciting than last night, but just as peaceful.

Happy New Year!