A Fatality

I have a real pain in the neck and I'm not talking about The Hubs. Every now and then when the discomfort becomes unbearable I make a visit to the chiropractor and am reminded of the OUI I got when I was 23. I totalled my car and smashed myself up almost as good as when I got attacked by the bad ass Biker Chick who thought I was flirting with her man.

After whining all day and contorting myself into all kinds of positions to try and stretch it back to normalcy, I was so relieved to go home. I have a special neck pillow that helps a lot and I planned to use it after soaking in the hot tub.

"Hey Mama.......this is Wesley speaking.....we had a fatality today."

"Oh no-- you're kidding-" I answered The Hubs dog as I changed my clothes.

"Nope-- not kidding..... I hope you don't get mad at me!"

"Well, Wes, what did you kill?"

"Guess Mama..."

"Did it involve blood at all?"

"Nope.. no blood."

"Oh that's good! Then I probably won't care." (I had visions of the time Whiskey snatched a grey squirrel off a tree)

"Oh you're gonna care, Mama......it was blue....."

"BLUE?"

"and round"

"You rotten dog! you chewed my god damn neck pillow?"

"Smithereens Ma--- the whole thing- cover and all"

"You little bastid I was just going to use that."

"I told you you was gonna be mad...."

Twat dogs

When anyone orders a hamburger I always think of a particular cartoon that I saw years ago:

A man walked into a fast food restaurant to get some lunch.

"I'll have a hamburger, please." he told the woman behind the counter.

"One burger!" she hollered out back to a very large and sweaty woman who was doing the cooking. She quickly reached for a frozen hamburger patty and stuffed it under her armpit to defrost.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" complained the customer who promptly cancelled his order.

"Oh really? Well, I don't recommend the hot dogs either then, sir." replied the cashier.

That cracked me up! And one day last summer when we were having our pre-luncheon debate on what to eat and where to get it, I got the opportunity to incorporate it into the discussion.

Him: I think I'll just go get a couple of hot dogs

Me: Oh- that street vendor cart guy?

Him: Yah

Me (really wanting pizza): Yuck - I heard how they make those

Him: What do you mean?

Me: They don't call 'em twat dogs for nuthin'

Him: That's gross Kathy

Me: Tell me about it! Let's get pizza.

Him: yah ok - pizza it is.

He's very predictable, but it depends on where we order. For example, if it's down the road, he's going to have a 10" bacon pizza or an 8" turkey, bacon and cheese sub - DRY- I repeat- DRY. No mayonnaise, no mustard-

If it's from WHOP, then it's going to be a pepperoni pizza or chicken nuggets with fries, no salad (but I always order the salad and eat it myself)

I'm not sure if it's the taste of certain foods or the texture that bothers him the most but he's almost as finicky as my brother who used to gag at the dinner table if a piece of bread got too soggy before he swallowed it.

So it wasn't hard to sway his decision if I spoke of twat dogs and elaborated on the special heating technique it required. I used his weak stomach to my advantage and teased him for months until he became immune to my Twat Dog hysteria.

Him: Hey, will you order me a couple of hot dogs, please? Plain- nothing on 'em"

Me: Ummm...you sure you want that?

Him: Yup

Me: Well, I'm not going to order for you unless you say it right.

Him: Oh Christ

Me: you hungry?

Him: Please order me a couple of TWAT DOGS

Me: OK!!!!! ROTFLMAO TWO TWAT DOGS coming up!

MSP.... MPS...... what's the difference?

"I think the hot tub needs chlorine but I'll just put some MSP in it for now."

He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. "Some what?"

"MSP- so I can go right in and I'll chlorinate it later."

His eyebrows pulled together creating a deep furrow of uncertainty but he said nothing.

Irritated, I spoke slow but loud, emphasizing every syllable for clarification. "THE. GRANULES. THAT. YOU. ARE. SUPPOSED. TO. PUT. IN. EVERY.TIME. SOMEONE.USES IT...... M.S.P."

The light came to his face and he laughed. "ohhh thaaaat stuff--- I thought you were trying to make a joke about Emma's pee and I just didn't get it."

Finger Dipping

Washing my hands immediately after urinating is like an involuntary reflex. Just like blinking, I don't really think about it, I just do it.

One day last week I had dispensed a nice little blob of soap into the middle of my palm and proceeded to turn on the faucet. The hot water wasn't working so I tried cold but that one wasn't working either. In disgust I wiped the soap off with a paper towel and went back to my office to compose a short email to two people in management who might have the answer to my question:

"Do either of you have any idea why the water doesn't work half the time? It's very annoying to not have running water in the bathroom!"

Evidently, my dilemma was not anyone's top priority and I got no reply. I forgot all about it myself until today when I once again soaped up only to discover that neither faucet was going to produce a drop of water for me.

With visions of a smashing the entire porcelain sink into smithereens dancing in my head, I marched back to my office grumbling about the injustice and bitching about people who don't ever reply to emails. To keep my momentum going, I sent Kellie an Instant Message:

Queen Kathleen says:
I'm pissed so bad right now

Chick says:
why

Queen Kathleen says:
well

Queen Kathleen says:
LAST WEEK Iwas mad that we had no running water

Queen Kathleen says:
in the bathroom up here

Queen Kathleen says:
so I emailed Tom and Harry and asked if either of them knew why half the time it doesn't work

Queen Kathleen says:
no answer

Queen Kathleen says:
so I went out just a few min ago-- went pee and soaped up- no water

Queen Kathleen says:
argh!

Chick says:
what is up with that?

Queen Kathleen says:
they can't even fucking answer me

Chick says:
does the one up above you in dfc have water?

Queen Kathleen says:

and it's a good thing no one was near their desks- cuz I called them both

Queen Kathleen says:
I don't know- but it does this a lot

Queen Kathleen says:
like half the time you go to wash your hands

Queen Kathleen says:
then it miraculously turns back on

Chick says:
that's kinda gross if you can't wash up!

Chick says:
they must be turning it off from below?

Queen Kathleen says:
I just rinsed my hands in the toilet

Chick says:
omg

_____several seconds went by here_______


Queen Kathleen says:
did you believe me

Queen Kathleen says:
swoosh

Chick says:
oh duh

Chick says:
I get it

Chick says:
yes, I did believe you -omg to me!

Queen Kathleen says:
omg!! hahahahahahahahaha

Chick says:
stop laughing at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chick says:
lol

Queen Kathleen says:
I'm all about the environment baby- Finger Dipping- saves water

Silence! I kill you~

Sunday night Dana, Mike and I went to see Jeff Dunham. http://jeffdunham.com/

Our seats were nothing to brag about but the show, as expected, was hilarious. We sat on the floor way in the back and because we were sitting on a plywood covered hockey rink my toes got cold very quickly.

I tried to balance my feet on the horizontal support bar on the chair in front of me to delay the onset of frostbite. An older, rather stout, balding man was sitting there and I eyed his leather jacket, betting it was pretty warm up inside it.

"pssst- Mike" I whispered in his ear. "Do you think that man would mind if I took my shoes off and slid my feet up inside his shirt?"

He sized up the situation. "ummm- maybe not......but I bet his wife might."

I laughed at the thought of it but kept my frozen phalanges to myself.

Directly in my line of vision was some dude wearing a baseball hat tipped up. Rather than ask him to take it off or at least angle it down on his head, I watched the big screen. I might as well have watched a DVD at home, but then I'd have missed all the action in the crowd.

We saw several people trip over a wooden extension cord cover. One man fell flat on his face and I felt really bad for him because he looked embarrassed. He obviously hadn't been drinking like a lot of people. If he had been, I don't think embarrassment would have been part of the equation. There were screamers and whistlers, and dancers slopping their $5.75 cent mixed drinks in unsuspecting laps. The group beside us was having a real good time and at one point I reached over and uprighted a woman's drink just before she wore it.

The opening act finished and we were given a 15 minute break which turned into half an hour due to some guy falling on the stairs and dislocating his knee. For a while I half expected hoped Kid Rock was taking Jeff's place, but when Achmed came on stage I was laughing along with everyone else. Achmed is a dead terrorist who has done his duty and blown himself up in the name of Allah. Miraculously, his skeleton and his eyeballs are left intact- which makes for one very funny, skinny- ass Santa Claus who sings songs like "Jingle Bombs" and tells the audience "Silence! I kill you" when they get too loud.

The Hubs is famous for having no patience in crowds and he had his foot in the aisle ready for take off during the last part. As soon as the show ended, I jumped up and scurried behind him- leaving Dana in my dust.

We ran across the parking lot trying to get to the truck.

I was running because I didn't want to freeze to death.

He was running to be the first one out of there.

Just as we arrived, he noticed Dana was missing. "Where's your brother?!"

"Back there I assume"

"Well, didn't you tell him or anything?"

"No- I just followed you. He knows his way out. Besides, I think he's chatting with that girl who works at the hospital."

"Well, what the hell!" he flung himself across the steering wheel in anguish then shot me another jab. "I can't BELIEVE you just ran out of there and left him. Now we're going to be all night getting out of here."

Just then I saw Dana coming around the other side of the truck but Mike was still groaning and letting me know I messed up his whole night. Probably his whole life, in fact. How could I be so neglectful, blah blah blah.......

"Silence! I kill you!" I shouted at him just as Dana opened the door. Then I pretended to sulk all the way home to make him feel guilty. He thought I was giving him the silent treatment, when in fact, I was playing a game in my head - counting how many houses had christmas lights on.

lies, lies and more lies

Collections are getting harder and harder. No one wants to talk to me and no one calls me back. If I do get them on the phone I'm forced to listen to lies much bigger than "The check is in the mail."

I hung up the phone and roared out to my princess. "Well, that woman was talking out of her ass!"

"Wow- she's got talent, huh?"

"Oh yah- and VERY bad breath, too!"